all I want is love.

Love is all I want. Sex is good and all but that's not what I truly desire. To be honest I love kissing and cuddling more than anything. Just the way you intertwine your hand with mine makes my heart skip beats. Yet, you're just another guy and guys don't want love do they? Do they ever want anything serious? Am I just another girl with a vagina? I wish I felt as if I was more. If only you could make me feel as if I am. That's all I want.

my suicide.

I'm still as depressed as ever, nothing has changed. Things have only gotten worse and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. This zoloft isn't working and the abuse of other substances only works for so long. Sooner than later I'm back to feeling the same shitty way as before. I'm just so tired and sick of everything. I wish I could just put a pistol to my head and paint the wall red but let's face it I'm too much of a pussy to do that shit. I wish I could though because if I did have the guts to take my own life, I would of been dead a long time ago but no I'm still here. I'm still here living a life I don't want to live. I'm here breathing air I don't want to breathe. I'm ready to die but I still open my eyes to face a new day. However, I rather sleep forever because the whole struggling to get out of bed thing isn"t the life I want. The life I want is to actually have no life at all.

scared.

I really hope I don't have an std... I really hope I don't. I'm so scared and all I can do is worry but I should be worried right? I didn't use protection and I mean this is so risky. Why must I put my health at risk? Ugh, I hope everything is okay but I can only get tested on wednesday. Even then I will have to wait to hear the verdict. If only people would tell the truth all the time and wouldn't lie; life would be so much more easier.

got plan b today.

I wanted to be safe rather than sorry. It was one of the most awkward experiences ever... Going to the clinic with your mother to get emergency contraception and the lady working there also gave me condoms. Now I have a paper bag full of condoms even though I rather have a paper bag to cover my face. Well I guess this is growing up.

almost not a virgin.

Wow, I'm an eighteen year old kid who has done numerous of drugs but have yet to have a penis in my vagina. Yeah, that's right I'm a virgin. Its really not a big deal. Well anyways I was over Cory's house again and we watched a little of the softball game going on in his backyard. It was pretty windy and kind of cold so we decided to go in. We went downstairs and set up blankets to lay on and cuddle together. He then told me he was going to have a smoke but wanted to kiss me first. Awwwe <3 the kiss was amazing and the way he squeezed my sides made me go umpf. The kiss was strong and hard... I think I left him breathless and he smiled before heading upstairs.

Anyways he came back down after a little and we decided to watch a movie. He picked across the universe and he told me it was his favorite movie. So we started watching it and cuddled. We would kiss randomly throughout the movie. It was great. Especially during the love scenes and shit... It just made me want him even more. I know I only started seeing him again but there's just something about him I really like. So the movie ended up ending and during the credits we began to makeout. It got intense and he ended up on top of me... He asked if I had my period and I said no. Before I knew it my pants were off again.

Oh I love when he fingers me and eats me out. It feels so good.. He makes sure I cum everytime (sorry for the tmi even though probably no one is reading this). So then at one point I almost let him put it in but he didn't have a condom. He's like I can pull out and I hesitantly said okay. He tried putting it in but I was too tight. It hurt so bad when he tried... As the pain went through my body I finally realized that this was stupid and I said that we should wait. I used the whole condom excuse but in the end I knew this was too fast or maybe the pain turned me off. Well he ended up stopping and agreed we shouldn't but instead I went down on him again. It took so long but he finally came in my mouth and after we ended up cuddling a little. Then of course the making out started once again.

I was on top of him and still half naked and he was naked too. I guess I ended up turning him on again and he got another boner but nothing else happened. We just cuddled some more and then decided to get dressed to get some pizza. He ended up getting pizza and I only got a drink since I wasn't hungry, just tired. It was nice to be out with him and after we were done he started to walk me home. I'm not going to tell the whole story so blah blah blah this happened and blah blah blah the night ended with him giving me goodbye kisses.

Well all I can say is its nice to not be lonely for once. Its so nice. I'm not sure if this will ever be anything and my mom tells me he just wants to pop it; she's probably right. Yet again I'm not sure if I care. I mean its good while it lasts? I'm not sure all I know is I'm going to live in the moment. Live today or this second as it's my last. Yeah I may be paranoid that I'm pregnant by pre-cum or I have a disease now but I guess ill just have to go to the clinic tomorrow to ease or worsen my mind.

heroin.

I'm eighteen and I'm using many drugs but my one love is dope. I can't believe I'm dabbling with heroin. I never thought I would touch it... I never even considered doing it until the end of last year. Its only been a few times and yes I've managed to stay away from it for a few weeks but that doesn't mean it still doesn't call my name. Sometimes I even daydream about cutting lines of dope on my dresser and then inhaling it into my nostrils. Mmmm, the thought of it makes me crave heroin so badly but I know I can refrain from using; at least until the next time I can get my hands on it. The sad thing is nobody knows about my problem with drugs. Yeah, they know I smoked pot and what not but heroin? No, they don't know anything about that and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm living a double life and I feel so guilty. I know that what I'm doing is wrong but how at the same time can it feel so right?